Today’s post is another vulnerable one, drawing on current experiences in my personal life. 2015 was a rough year for me. It was probably one of the roughest years I’ve had… not THE roughest but it definitely ranked up there…
Other than getting married to my love, there were lots of very challenging things that happened in my life last year. Last spring, my husband was dealing with depression and anxiety due to a horrible boss who was harassing him and the situation led him to have to be off work on short term disability for a number of months. Watching the man I love have panic attacks and be in a depressed state was not easy for me. Sometimes I think watching someone you care about struggle can feel harder than struggling yourself.
It also wasn’t easy having him be home all the time. I work from home many days when I’m not seeing in-person clients and so having him here really felt like it threw things off with my routine, focus, and productivity. Fortunately he got the support he needed and improved and was able to get back to work (and his boss was moved into another position so he returned to work with a new boss!).
Our much anticipated wedding happened in early October and that was magical. It was truly a beautiful day and we had a beautiful honeymoon together. October was a great month for us and it felt like things were finally in a positive space and life was moving forward. My heart-fire was sparked up again!
Then, on November 8, we were rear-ended in a car accident. I experienced some whiplash but my husband developed more than just minor whiplash. He had severe pain in his feet, making walking even 100 feet agonizing for him. I was pushed into the role of being his caretaker since he could hardly stand or walk. The severe pain lasted over a month but he is now finally doing much better.
So what does this post have to do with living a heart-fire life? What does it have to do with you?
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting in the past few weeks. While I started 2015 feeling like it would be a great year for me and I would continue to grow my passion and purpose through my work, circumstances along the way felt like a detour. Most recently, being my husband’s care giver and having to go with him to countless medical appointments, drive him everywhere, and do pretty much everything around the house left me feeling exhausted and with little time to focus on my work.
For me, my work with my clients is not just a “job”… it is my purpose, my passion, my joy, a big part of my meaning and my “why” in life and as that has had to be in the back seat, I find my heart-fire feeling like it is dwindling. I have felt like I have not been doing what I am meant to do with my life.
The other pattern that I noticed last year was that being in a committed relationship pushed me into a pattern of not prioritizing my own needs and desires. I share this because I think many women struggle with this. As women, it is easy to put ourselves last, to take care of everyone first and only when that is done to take care of ourselves. I stopped doing many of the things that I would do as part of my self-care routine when I was single, not because my husband asked me to or expected me to but because I started making myself less of a priority.
What is heart-fire living?
To me, it is waking up feeling energized, excited and raring to go for the day ahead. It is feeling fully alive, passionate, and connected to my deeper self. It is really living, not just going through the motions.
I have not made certain things that fill up my cup and fan the flames of my heart-fire (like meditation, yoga, and time in nature) a priority for myself and as a result, I can feel a difference in my body, mind, and spirit.
I believe in walking my talk and practicing what I share with my clients but I have found that harder to do with all the circumstances in my life and with adjusting to living with my now husband.
For me, 2016 means making those things that keep my heart-fire strong a priority. It means getting back to daily meditation, finding my yoga practice again, and taking more quiet time to listen to my inner knowing.
What does heart-fire living mean to you? And what is your heart asking you for in 2016?